Being the "Other"

For my assignment on being the other, I attended a USGA (Understanding Same Gender Attraction) meeting at the Provo Library. Quoted from their Facebook page, “USGA is an unofficial group of Brigham Young University students, faculty and guests who wish to strengthen families and the BYU community by providing a place for open, respectful discussions on the topic of same-gender attraction and LGBTQ issues.” I don’t have any relatives (that I am conscious of) from the LGBTQ/SSA community, but I know that I will have students that are, and I want to be able to create a positive environment for them in my classroom where they can learn most effectively. I’ve had some exposure to other cultures, but the LGBT culture makes me particularly uncomfortable because of my religion’s direct stance against acting on those specific sexual desires. While I already feel like I can acknowledge white privilege and somewhat prepare for students of different races, I feel completely unprepared to face (in a classroom) the issue of being gay.

I felt very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I was there alone. I hadn’t even been to the Provo public library before, so that was also uncomfortable for me to be in a position where I didn’t know where anything was. I felt very much like an outsider.

Partially to calm my nerves and help myself be more comfortable, but also to participate, I sat with a woman who was alone and started to talk with her. I came early so to help myself feel more oriented to my surroundings, and I tried to talk to the people around me without being too intrusive or obnoxious. It was interesting to me how concerned everyone was for everyone else. People could tell that many were uncomfortable, and they tried to make it easier for them. I started to feel a little better when the USGA club mission statement was read out loud because I knew a little better what to expect as well as what was expected rom me. I felt even better when we started singing hymns because it was something familiar to me.

For students in my classroom who experience school as a “foreign place,” I can imagine that they feel very uncomfortable. Different from my experience with USGA, not everyone is conscious and concerned with helping everyone to feel comfortable, but instead further isolates these students as different and weird. I still felt a little uncomfortable because of uncertainty on my part as to what my opinion is concerning same-gender attraction, but I at least felt invited. Students who experience school as a “foreign place” experience heavy prejudice against them that leads to discrimination, which will hinder learning because it is not a safe, positive environment. I hope to be able to create a more positive environment for students of many different backgrounds and cultures, whether I agree with their behavior or not. I’m not sure how to get to that point, but I want all my students to feel loved and accepted, that they can appreciate their cultures.

Here are some of the observations that I made, as well as my interpretations and feelings on those observations:

Observation: A group of boys and girls walked in together.

Interpretation: They are friends and can trust one another.

Feelings: I liked that USGA was a positive environment for everyone. I was afraid to be there, and I was afraid of how people would view me. I was afraid that they would think that I was a lesbian, or that they would be bothered at me trying to participate or enter their circle of trust. I was even afraid that I might get hit on and not know what to do. I think that’s a common fear that straight people who have very little exposure to the LGBTQ community have, but it doesn’t make it okay. I didn’t expect them to trust me. I felt surprisingly accepted and welcomed.

Observation: The president of the club read the mission statement.

Interpretation: He wants everyone to understand the purpose of the club.

Feelings: By understanding USGA’s purpose, members from both the straight community and the LGBTQ community can feel comfortable at the meetings. I felt invited and welcomed, even though I was still a bit uncomfortable.

Observation: The mission statement emphasized that USGA was not a place to hit on, ask out, or hook up with anyone.

Interpretation: USGA is not necessarily encouraging acting on gay sexual desires, but is encouraging of becoming comfortable with your own identity and having a positive, strengthening place to feel accepted and loved. At the same time, they won’t condemn you for acting on gay sexual desires or for leaving the church, they just want the club to be a safe, comfortable place for everyone.

Feelings: USGA is a place to feel loved and accepted. A lot of complicated situations and feelings are present in the room, and I liked that the focus was on love and acceptance, but not about hatred towards the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its members.

Observation: They sang only hymns and I could feel the Holy Ghost while I was there

Interpretation: The songs were to invite the Spirit and to focus on strengthening testimony.

Feelings: I knew that there was a lot of anger, confusion, and hatred towards members of the LGBTQ community, but I had never before felt the pain associated with being the victims of those feelings from others, as well as towards oneself, based solely off of my sexual orientation. The hymns focused on God’s love, needing the Savior, and finding happiness.

Observation: Many of the women have pixie cuts

Interpretation: Maybe they like having their hair that short

Maybe they feel like it helps them better identify with their sexuality

Maybe they don’t want to conform to societal standards of femininity

Maybe they’re feminists

Maybe they’re Lesbian or Trans-gender or Bi

Feelings: I had a pixie haircut for about two years, and I’m finally growing out my hair again because I’m getting married and my fiancé prefers it long. My fiancé finds longer hair more attractive, and my hair length is something within my control. There were many reasons why I chose to have my hair in a pixie cut. I thought that it was attractive and I liked the way that it felt on my neck. In addition to simply liking the way that pixie cuts looks, I liked challenging societal values and stereotypes. I was simultaneously bothered that I felt like people made assumptions about me based off of that hair length. I’m happy to have short hair and lift weights and challenge the concept of what is considered masculine or feminine, but I was bothered when people would associate my hair length with being a lesbian. I equated being a lesbian with being masculine, and being a straight woman with being feminine. After seeing a lot of the women at USGA with extremely short hair, I realized that the stereotype that women who are not straight will often have pixie cuts actually rings true. It was a disruption for me to realize that I was previously happy to challenge societal standards for masculinity and femininity, but that when it comes to sexual orientation I still labeled non-straight as bad and something that I didn’t want to be associated with.

Observation: The music sounded really good and the club members harmonized beautifully

Interpretation: Many of the people there had been involved in choir and musical theater

Feelings: Just like with what I said about pixie cuts, this stereotype rings true. Many people from the LGBTQ community have been involved in music and the performing arts. It makes me uncomfortable acknowledging this because I have been very involved in the Dance community, and I would bring up that just because you are a male dancer does not imply that you are gay. While this is true, it still puts off the idea that being gay is a bad thing, while dancing is a good thing.

Observation: There was a guest speaker who talked about his own life journey of being gay and finally deciding that he would rather be an active member of the church with a temple recommend than have romantic relationships

Interpretation: He came to help others there know that there are people like them struggling with the same things. He could be a positive example of being gay and still being an active member of the church, especially for those who struggle with the decision of whether or not to stay in the church because of their sexuality or perceived oppression to the LGBT community.

Feelings: I was saddened to hear about his experiences and the pain that he had been through. I was happy that he was able to find peace with his current decision, but it took him a long time to get to where he was okay with denying himself of acting on his gay preferences. I’m happy that he can be stable in his personality and identity as he has accepted being gay, and I’m happy that he has found happiness in his decision to stay in the church. I still feel very confused on my own opinions, but I want to help everyone feel loved and accepted rather than hated and hurt.

I have written some about how the stereotypes are true that women who identify with LGBTQ/SSA will wear a pixie cut and that men who participate in the performing arts will be gay, and that’s not bad. I need to change my perception so that those things are not inherently negative. I would now like to talk about some of the stereotypes that were shattered by attending the USGA meeting. I think that the biggest stereotype that was contradicted was that homosexual people cannot be spiritual or religious, and especially cannot be Mormon. The room was full of members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who were gay, lesbian, transgender, queer, same sex attracted, asexual, and straight, as well as non-members of the church. Everyone came to the support group led by BYU students. Because this club meeting was a spiritual fireside, members and guests bore their testimonies and sang hymns. I could feel a lot of pent-up anger and frustration at the topic of religion, but the program of the meeting invited the Holy Ghost and provided peace and comfort within the bounds of the church that I have already experienced. Everyone that spoke bore testimony of the truth of the Gospel, but they simultaneously encouraged everyone to do what was best for each individual person.

The other major stereotype that was broken in this experience was the belief that people could choose whether or not they are gay. I haven’t believed this stereotype for a while, but I still hear it all around me and I have been struggling to understand how that works. Members of the club talked about their different experiences of coming out, and about how they struggled with self-hate and not accepting their identity because it was “bad.” Many served missions or became overly active in church with the hope or belief that God would take their same-sex attraction away from them. They didn’t “want” to be gay; it’s really difficult to live with in a religious home and community, especially when you believe the religion yourself. Many of the members of the club talked about how they were much happier once they acknowledged and accepted that part of their identities. The point was also made that being gay or having same-sex attraction is a different issue from leaving the church and living a homosexual lifestyle. One can be happy accepting that they are gay and still keeping the law of chastity. But, we shouldn’t discount how difficult that is for anyone to decide to live without the love and companionship that they desire in exchange for membership in the church (and all of the blessings associated with life-long conversion). You can’t choose whether or not you are gay, but you can choose whether or not you act on homosexual desires, but it is a heartbreaking choice either way.